Reflections.... and another holiday!

I am just so glad and thankful that the down syndrome scare was just a false alarm and nothing more. The whole ordeal lasted only about about 30 hours but it felt like a long nightmare.

Surprisingly, I got to know of a lot of stories that friends or friend's friends also had the same ordeal - blood test showed high risk then amnio results came out negative. Or I guess it shouldn't be surprising from the statistics. Although my results showed that I was 4 times more at risk then a normal person in my age group, it was still 1 chance in 190. As my sis put it, just imagine there's one big lucky draw prize with 189 other people - a standard response would be "cannot get one la...". But of course, there's always the off chance of "being lucky" at the wrong time!!

Looking back, I would have been spared the ordeal if I never took the blood test in the first place. I know some gynaes don't even recommend it unless the pregnant mama is in a high risk group. So, perhaps I went through all the stress, worry, discomfort & risk from the procedure and $$ for absolutely nothing. Or maybe things happen for a reason. In a way, it was a good wake-up call (or a "kick-in-the-butt" reminder) to tell me that I have so many great things going on in my life. To really appreciate what I have. To not take things for granted...
Perhaps I was at a point in my life where I really needed to be kicked-in-the-butt !!! ;)

Oh, and we went for a short holiday because of this. Hubby suggested we needed a short getaway whatever the results, and I thought it was a great idea. Wanted to stay two nights in Clearwater Sanctuary (our 4th visit there in the past 2.5 years. It's an absolutely lovely place and definitely our sanctuary) but only the 1st night was available, so we ended up in Hotel DeLa Ferns, Cameron Highlands on the second night.

We received the wonderful news about the negative results midway through our journey up north, so we were in a fantastic happy mood. Our first meal after the results was a simple late lunch of chicken rice, meatballs and beansprouts at an unknown, quiet corner coffee shop in Gopeng but I felt like it was the BEST meal ever!

Wanted to take photo then realised........ aiyah..... I forgot my camera!!! Must have been the result of packing under duress (it was about an hour before the anticipated phone call from the hospital). At that time, I was glad for the packing distraction but as I packed, my heart was thumping and I could see that my hands were shaking.

Managed to take only a few holiday photos with hubby's blackberry -

Elyssa at the balcony of our room in Clearwater Sanctuary
(I just couldn't capture any smiley moments with the slowww blackberry camera. She looks quite round here eh?)

Eating beef noodles at the famous "thin sisters" stall near Sam Tet school, Ipoh

Elyssa with her Minnie Mouse sweater in Cameron Highlands

Phew!!!

Results negative! Am so relieved. Thanks for all the support and prayers.

On a short break now. last minute decision since hubby suggested we needed some time away whichever the outcome. Glad that its a celebration and not the opposite!

Ps : first time updating using blackberry. Aargh....keys so small

Amniocentesis

I am worried. I am scared.....

This morning, I received the shocking news about my blood test results -
Down Syndrome risk for baby : HIGH.

Went in to see gynae and she explained the results - for my age group, should be 1 in 800 (i.e. risk of 1 in 800 being positive) . Mine was 1 in 190. Heck, I was shocked!...... No family history, first child perfectly healthy, not even 35 yet...

She advised amniocentesis which is a basically a procedure to draw amniotic fluid for lab testing. Good thing is that the results would be out within 24 hours. (I had a quick read in the internet this morning which said the waiting time was 2-3 weeks. Gosh, I can't imagine having to wait that long!)

So, I had the amniocentesis done a few hours ago. A little painful, but not as bad as I expected. Feeling a bit crampy now.

But of course, the main concern is the result. Gynae will call around 1-2pm tomorrow. Don't know how I can sleep tonight :(
Don't know how I can get through the next 20 hours. And the scary part is the big "what if". I am trying my best to push it out of my mind. Keep telling myself to not think about it and only react to the outcome when its known. Trying to keep my mind blank.... trying to stay positive......trying not to break down...

Short Holiday - JB & Singapore, Melaka

Everyday, hubby has been bugging me - "eh, why never update your blog??"
It's just that these days, I have even less time for myself (since Elyssa is at home with me) and when I have the time, I don't seem to have the mood to blog.

But here's a post before I have to blow off the cobwebs ;)

Recently, we went for 2 short holidays -
1st short holiday - JB & Singapore. Hubby had a biz trip to JB on Thurs and Fri, so we tagged along then hopped over to S'pore for the weekend.

Stayed at Thistle Hotel, JB for 2 nights. I loved the spacious room!

Elyssa exploring the hotel room

Elyssa and I enjoyed plenty of time just lying in bed and watching tv, while daddy went to work :)

On Saturday morning, we took the shuttle bus from the hotel to Marina Sands in SG. Elyssa really enjoyed the bus ride!

Christmas lights @ Orchard Road. Decorations were lovely but as usual, the place was just so crowded.

2nd Short Holiday - Holiday in Melaka with hubby's side of the family. 9 adults and 5 kids altogether. Elyssa is now old enough to play with her 4 cousins and she had an absolute blast! In fact, every time we drove out (including a one hour journey to the Tangkak waterfall) she chose to sit with the jie-jie's rather than with hubby and I. He heh.... we had no complaints. Peace for us at last :) She was pretty well behaved the entire holiday except for the last evening when she got re-a-lly cranky due to insufficient sleep.

Some photos -

Our Japanese dinner on Christmas day

Yummy sushi platter

Cousins fooling around

Fun time at the Tangkak waterfall

Change

There's a big change going on in my life right now. Emotionally, I am thrilled, sad, excited, terrified, happy and I honestly don't know what else. Some days I feel on top of the world, some days I literally hide under the duvet and cry.

The big change is actually made up of 2 significant changes -
Change 1 : I'm pregnant! About 13 weeks+ now.
I think the hormones are making an absolute wreck of my emotions. I am happy (this is something I really wanted) but at the same time I am worried about so many things. Will baby be healthy? How will Elyssa react when the baby comes? Will I love the baby? Will I love Elyssa less? etc etc.

Change 2 : I'm leaving my current company
My role has been de-established in my company. After looking internally for jobs for a while, I am now taking the package. 7 years in the company, so I get almost 11 months salary as compensation.


Both changes are pretty big on their own, but taken together it has an even bigger impact - I have decided not to hop on to another job for now. After all, I am not really keen about showing up for a new job say being 4 or 5 months pregnant then going for maternity leave shortly after.

So, the BIG decision is to stop work until the baby comes. If I give myself about 2 months+ maternity leave, that means not working for at least 9 months. Or the right phrase is "leaving the corporate world" for at least 9 months. "Not work" is not quite right since I already have a few projects in hand. (more on that later).

I know I have so many reasons to be thrilled. As a working mum, I have said so many times "how nice if I don't have to work". And now I'm even being paid in advance! But somehow.......I don't know. I mean I've been in this rat race for 11 years now and somehow a part of me doesn't know how to stop. After all, the race has its benefits - mainly, I am so used to having money coming in at the end of each month. Plus all the other fringe benefits I enjoyed - such as unlimited medical care (including maternity), interest free car loan and the little stuff like free monthly internet and Elyssa's gymboree classes.

I worry whether how I view my self worth will be affected. I know it should not but I sometimes can't shake it off. I worry about financials. I worry about hubby. I worry about what happens after my break. I worry about a thousand things......then I think of the possibilities. My current projects. The additional free time that I will have to do the things I never had time for......... then I start worrying again. Up and down. Up and down. Yup, that's the emotional roller coaster I have been on recently. Depression, denial, happiness. Depression, denial, happiness. Depression, denial, happiness. Yea, blame the pregnancy hormones.

Ah well, good that I wrote all this down. Writing down my emotions (usually in my manual journal, first time in my blog) always helps me emotionally :)

This is how I should view this current big change in my life -

2 years, 8 months old

Elyssa is now 2 years, 8 months old. Pretty soon, I have to tell her to say "I am 3 years old" instead of "2 and a half years old"!


About Her:

1. Weight - approx 13.6kg
Height -

2. She has been completely off diapers at home for about 2 months now. When she wants to pee, she goes to the potty and takes off her own pants. She still needs help pulling up her pants though. But definitely a big improvement from the early days of potty training when the words "I want to pee pee" had us jumping off our butts as if there's a fire ;)

3. Unfortunately, she is going through a "I don't like daddy" phase. *Sigh*. She likes it when daddy carries her, or tells her a story or when daddy has food (well, she sticks to anyone who has food!), but at other times, she often ignores him or screams when daddy tries to hug her/ change her clothes/ tries to bathe her etc. I'm pretty sure the root cause is that I'm spending more time with her since I've been clearing my annual leave. Given the current change in situation (will be explained later), I will be spending even more time with her, so I'm not sure how to deal with this.

4. She just loves to dance. I must take a video recording of her soon! Her dance steps can be pretty hilarious.

5. I am more "liberal" these days when it comes to not-so-healthy food. This month, she had her first lolipop (given by Body Shop sales girl), first cup of Baskin Robbins chocolate ice-cream all to herself (bought by her pak-pak) and first McDonalds Chicken Burger Happy Meal (I'm solely guilty for this!).
Not sure whether this is connected, but she doesn't seem too keen on her plain milk these days. Maybe she has developed a tastebud for sweeter and tastier things??? Oh no.... I think I'll go back to my "not-so-liberal" mode after all.

1st lollipop
(oh yeah, she always gives me this fake smile when I ask her to smile for the camera)

1st McD Happy Meal

5. She loves pretending to cook. She can spend countless hours pretending to buy food, then cut up food, cook food then feed either us or her soft toys.

6. She still surprises me with new words now and then. Like yesterday in the hospital when I tried to explain to her who are the doctors and who are the nurses. I started with "doctors wear white coats..." and then she interrupted and said "yes, and doctors wear stethoscope around their necks".
Looks like she has been absorbing plenty of new things at my parents house :)

7. She likes to "help" me with the household chores. I guess it makes her feel important! I use inverted commas for the "help" cos it usually means that my chores take a lot longer to complete.

Like the scenario below when she insisted she wanted to help me put the clothes in the washing machine. Looks "helpful" but it involves me : 1) waiting for her to get her little blue stool from the bathroom 2) waiting for her to put the clothes in ONE-BY-ONE. ;)

Fun Time with Justin koko

Every weekday, Elyssa and cousin Justin koko have a good time enjoying each others company. It's really nice to watch them play together :)

I took the photos below last Friday -

Playing Ball together

Watching fish together

Play time at the nearby playground

Dancing together after dinner

Yes, plenty of fun!
But every SINGLE day, this happens too (not just once, but MULTIPLE times) -

Koko - don't touch my toy. Wahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best friends one moment, worst enemies the next...... and then best friends again. I guess that's part and parcel of childhood :)