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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Change

There's a big change going on in my life right now. Emotionally, I am thrilled, sad, excited, terrified, happy and I honestly don't know what else. Some days I feel on top of the world, some days I literally hide under the duvet and cry.

The big change is actually made up of 2 significant changes -
Change 1 : I'm pregnant! About 13 weeks+ now.
I think the hormones are making an absolute wreck of my emotions. I am happy (this is something I really wanted) but at the same time I am worried about so many things. Will baby be healthy? How will Elyssa react when the baby comes? Will I love the baby? Will I love Elyssa less? etc etc.

Change 2 : I'm leaving my current company
My role has been de-established in my company. After looking internally for jobs for a while, I am now taking the package. 7 years in the company, so I get almost 11 months salary as compensation.


Both changes are pretty big on their own, but taken together it has an even bigger impact - I have decided not to hop on to another job for now. After all, I am not really keen about showing up for a new job say being 4 or 5 months pregnant then going for maternity leave shortly after.

So, the BIG decision is to stop work until the baby comes. If I give myself about 2 months+ maternity leave, that means not working for at least 9 months. Or the right phrase is "leaving the corporate world" for at least 9 months. "Not work" is not quite right since I already have a few projects in hand. (more on that later).

I know I have so many reasons to be thrilled. As a working mum, I have said so many times "how nice if I don't have to work". And now I'm even being paid in advance! But somehow.......I don't know. I mean I've been in this rat race for 11 years now and somehow a part of me doesn't know how to stop. After all, the race has its benefits - mainly, I am so used to having money coming in at the end of each month. Plus all the other fringe benefits I enjoyed - such as unlimited medical care (including maternity), interest free car loan and the little stuff like free monthly internet and Elyssa's gymboree classes.

I worry whether how I view my self worth will be affected. I know it should not but I sometimes can't shake it off. I worry about financials. I worry about hubby. I worry about what happens after my break. I worry about a thousand things......then I think of the possibilities. My current projects. The additional free time that I will have to do the things I never had time for......... then I start worrying again. Up and down. Up and down. Yup, that's the emotional roller coaster I have been on recently. Depression, denial, happiness. Depression, denial, happiness. Depression, denial, happiness. Yea, blame the pregnancy hormones.

Ah well, good that I wrote all this down. Writing down my emotions (usually in my manual journal, first time in my blog) always helps me emotionally :)

This is how I should view this current big change in my life -

20 comments:

Irene said...

whoa CONGRATS on baby no2! and errr... shud i congratulate you for getting paid in advance for almost a year? hehe... jokes aside, u did mentioned u got side projects, so im sure u guys can manage, and ur paid in advance so not too bad ey? take care yeah, and happy ur preggers!

LittleLamb said...

Congrats on ur #2. On the previous post, I was suspecting you were expecting dy...

Hmmm 11 months pay..not a good deal wor. But as a contractor, do you get more? Should be right..

Its all ok to have these mood swings. I tell ya..mine was even worst..n i did end up with some stupid decisions :( Just play along with hubs..Communicate more, start talking to Elyssa...I'm sure u will do fine..

Take care ..

ChloeRuoyi said...

Congrats on your pregnancy! Feel happy for you :)

Initially, before I quit my job to be a full-time SAHM, I had a million things on my mind too. This is very normal. Change is inevitable in life. With some adjustments, I'm sure you will have no problem coping and adapting to your new life. Always look on the brighter side of things and cheer up ok! Take care :)

MeRy said...

Congrats...

Daddy said...

Hei..Congrats! Take one thing one step at a time....

Stacy said...

Haiz! What are you complaining about la. Gimme both your changes and I'll be completely happy. I myself often wonder (usually when stuck in KL traffic hehe) if I have enough finances to get out of the rat race and enjoy life, enjoy being a mother. Maybe this will be the turning point to better things.

Mommy to Chumsy said...

Congratulations :) You are so lucky to be paid in advance. Take it as a long leave ;) After the baby is born and everything has settled down, you can always go back to the workforce. We women are always worrying about everything under the sun. You will be fine, trust me. Just enjoy your pregnancy and being a stay-at-home mommy for now :)

Alice Law said...

Congratulation on your pregnancy! Don't stress up, relax and everything will be alright eventually(It's not good to give to much pressure to a preggy body)!:)

Keep well and take care!

Mummy Gwen said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! DOn't worry too much lah. Things haven't happened yet so no need to stress about it. Look at the positive side. I hope the best for you. :)

Irene said...

Hey dear, first of all, i am so so sooooo happy for you! Congrats on 2nd baby, and don't worry, you will have more than enough love to spilt it evenly between the two kids. With each additional child, you will find your internal strength (and patience) grow. *wink*

On the second change on quitting the corporate world (even temporarily), I have to congratulate you. Take this time to enjoy the kids, the baby growing inside you, and just the mundane silly things that happen outside of reports, deadlines, projects and salary slips. Will catch up with you more on this if you're ok to come out, it ain't too bad... just adaptation.

After 11 years of rat race, take a break and pamper yourself (before bb comes). Eat healthy. Hugs!

Bryan and Brandon's Mama said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! And I'm congratulating on both :) Try not to think too much about how things will pan out. Everything happens for a reason so sit back and enjoy your pregnancy :)

~LiLHypPo's mUMmy~ said...

Omg!! Congrats on your pregnancy!! Really really happy for you!!

I am actually happy for you on the second part too... You get to rest during your pregnancy!! And I am sure Elyssa will be happy to have mummy with her ATT ;)

Take care and congrats again!!

AngelineBK said...

Congrats dear. Wish u n ur family a very happy Merry Christmas!

Mummy to QiQi said...

Adrine, so happy for you. Do take care and rest while. A great opportunity while getting paid, hehe...

Oliveoylz said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Am sure once you get started with your projects, you will have less time to think of the what-if's and enjoy your time away from work. Think positive. All will be well.

leeyen said...

Congrats on your pregnancy! I had the same doubt if I would love both children the same before baby was born but trust me you'll love both the same despite the fact you can't find the balance in time spending btw them!

As the rest of issue, just takes it as it's!:)

Adrine said...

Thanks all for the encouraging comments :)

Yes, you guys are right. I really worry too much. In fact, after I worry about a thousand things, I worry that I worry too much! Thanks for putting things into better perspective for me.

MayChing said...

congratulations!!! how exciting :)
just from my perspective, after leaving the working world 3 years ago, i don't miss it. but having at home projects really helps.

slavemom said...

Hey, Congrats! That's quite a roller coaster ride eh? Blame it all on the hormones. Well, it's normal to worry abt this n that. Jes dun let it bog u down. Don't worry (too much), be happy! :)
Happy New Year to u and ur family!

the little prince said...

Congratulations!!

You are so great, still can update the blog!! I was totally in dizzy for the first trimester...look at my son blog..so pity..no update since my pregnancy!! :-)

Take care ya!!