There's a big change going on in my life right now. Emotionally, I am thrilled, sad, excited, terrified, happy and I honestly don't know what else. Some days I feel on top of the world, some days I literally hide under the duvet and cry.
The big change is actually made up of 2 significant changes -
Change 1 : I'm pregnant! About 13 weeks+ now.
I think the hormones are making an absolute wreck of my emotions. I am happy (this is something I really wanted) but at the same time I am worried about so many things. Will baby be healthy? How will Elyssa react when the baby comes? Will I love the baby? Will I love Elyssa less? etc etc.
Change 2 : I'm leaving my current company
My role has been de-established in my company. After looking internally for jobs for a while, I am now taking the package. 7 years in the company, so I get almost 11 months salary as compensation.
Both changes are pretty big on their own, but taken together it has an even bigger impact - I have decided not to hop on to another job for now. After all, I am not really keen about showing up for a new job say being 4 or 5 months pregnant then going for maternity leave shortly after.
So, the BIG decision is to stop work until the baby comes. If I give myself about 2 months+ maternity leave, that means not working for at least 9 months. Or the right phrase is "leaving the corporate world" for at least 9 months. "Not work" is not quite right since I already have a few projects in hand. (more on that later).
I know I have so many reasons to be thrilled. As a working mum, I have said so many times "how nice if I don't have to work". And now I'm even being paid in advance! But somehow.......I don't know. I mean I've been in this rat race for 11 years now and somehow a part of me doesn't know how to stop. After all, the race has its benefits - mainly, I am so used to having money coming in at the end of each month. Plus all the other fringe benefits I enjoyed - such as unlimited medical care (including maternity), interest free car loan and the little stuff like free monthly internet and Elyssa's gymboree classes.
I worry whether how I view my self worth will be affected. I know it should not but I sometimes can't shake it off. I worry about financials. I worry about hubby. I worry about what happens after my break. I worry about a thousand things......then I think of the possibilities. My current projects. The additional free time that I will have to do the things I never had time for......... then I start worrying again. Up and down. Up and down. Yup, that's the emotional roller coaster I have been on recently. Depression, denial, happiness. Depression, denial, happiness. Depression, denial, happiness. Yea, blame the pregnancy hormones.
Ah well, good that I wrote all this down. Writing down my emotions (usually in my manual journal, first time in my blog) always helps me emotionally :)
This is how I should view this current big change in my life -